Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. Its quite simple to understand: the abundance of food. I love food, however my washboard abs don't make this fact known to many.
My favorite kind of food is pie. I actually have a "pie stomach" that is only for pie. It is never empty and never full. Like Chuck Norris, it just waits. And my favorite kind of pie is Lotsuvv. I like Lotsuvv Pie. Well, I actually like Lotsuvv and Anneychind. Those are my two favorite pies.
Pie should be easy to eat, not too hot and not too cold. Depending on the occasion, a la mode is appropriate (fruit pies only). One should never use a knife or spoon while consuming wonderful pie, only a fork is required. It is necessary to always begin on the side opposite the hypotenuse. When eating a fruit pie, it is acceptable to hold the fork parallel to the plate and use the non-prong side of the fork to cut through the crust, filling, and top (if present). A bite of cream pie should always be selected with the prong side going into the pie vertically. Pie can be substituted for cake, but cake can never be substituted for pie. A candle may be placed in the pie for celebrations of age enlargements. Above all else, a bite of pie can never be left on the plate (unless that plate is one from Pine Country Restaurant on historic Route 66 in Williams, Arizona).
It is permissible to stack multiple fruits into one pie, but a pie containing both fruit and cream should never be baked. Only the choicest adjectives should be used in the description of pie. These adjectives should clear and concise, allowing the connoisseur to focus on the taste (fruit and cream), texture (fruit and cream), freshness of produce (fruit only), and consistency (cream only). In certain areas of the country, nuts are placed in pies (such as pecan). This is acceptable, but only in the Deep South.
A gracious Thanksgiving host will inform his (or her) guests that pie is available before second servings of meat, vegetables, casseroles, and rolls are offered. A simple, "Patrick, we have pie for dessert, but you're more than welcome to help yourself to more (insert traditional Thanksgiving entree/ side dish here)." This will allow the guest to decide for themselves. The favor of this traditional line is still appreciated even if the guest has a "pie stomach".
In the event that only one piece of pie is left in the pan, the parties requesting pie must dual. Yes, it really is that important.
The most appropriate time to eat pie is with friends.
I hope you enjoy pie as much as I do!
(Lotsuvv is Lots-of and Anneychind is Any-kind).
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In the event that only one piece of pie is left in the pan, the parties requesting pie must dual. Yes, it really is that important.
This is precisely why my favorite wardrobe accessory is a rapier. You just never know when pie will happen and cold steel will be required.
An added benefit to the rapier, even if there is enough pie to go around (and in a perfect world there always will be), is the ability to slice said pie.
I also posted on pie today, and believe it or not the post was formulating in my head well before I read your post, my fellow pie connoisseur. I knew there was a reason I liked you.
I will however now advise people to read your post first so that they have command of a proper pie vocabulary and so they understand pie etiquette.
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